Of Brides and Data
by My Dad is Mr.Clean
Summary: Renji gets something in the mail. Well not really. Random brainfart. Don't mind me. :D


I had this idea when my friends were laughing about it...

AND NO THIS IS NOT A MARY SUE FIC!

OMIHIYOSHI!! I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THIS SITE FOR SOOO LONG! MY PARENTS MADE ME STUDY SO I COULDN'T GO ON! Oh the pain of no internet...

* * *

It was a normal Saturday morning at Renji's house. But nobody was there because...well...everyone went out. His parents went somewhere. He has no siblings. And he's probably at tennis practice. Well the reason why we're spending time at Renji's house was that there was a young woman ringing his doorbell. And since Renji isn't home, well...the only place where he would be are the tennis courts. 

Thankfully, she had the address to Rikkaidai.

So she made her way to the school, occasionally asking directions in broken Japanese. Why? Because she's from another country, silly!

TENNISTENNISTENNISTENNISTENNIS

Marui and Kirihara were looking around apprehensively. Almost as if they were waiting for someone or something.

"Marui. Kirihara. What's wrong?" Yukimura asked.

"N-Nothing!"

"...Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Hey. Who is that?" Jackal said looking at someone.

"A foreigner?" Yagyuu asked.

"Well...she's definitely not Japanese." Niou said.

"45.983 percent chance she wants something from us. 36.3 percent chance we might know her, or 17.717 percent chance she's just walking by."

"You did that all in your head?" Kirihara said staring at his sempai. Marui, however, nudged Kirihara.

"_It's her!_" Marui whispered.

It was weird how no one noticed them whispering amongst themselves. This was because everyone was looking at the foreigner. Not because she was pretty, which she kinda was, but because she was speaking to them in her broken Japanese and struggled to understand her.

"Ish-dare-Yanashi-heir?"

The regulars looked at each other.

"I think she's asking about a restaurant!" Niou said thinking.

"Or maybe a store?" Jackal suggested.

"No! I think she's talking about a beach!"

"But there aren't any in Tokyo. Everyone knows that. Even foreigners!"

Renji however took matters into his own hands. In almost perfect English, he asked, "Excuse me, but do you need anything?"

Sadly, this woman didn't speak English. But fortunately, she understood, so in her English (it was MUCH better than her Japanese.) she explained.

"Yanagi Renji?" Renji asked looking perplexed. "Why would you be looking for me?"

"So you're Yanagi Renji?!" the woman threw herself into his arms. "I am your bride!"

"...Wha?" everyone said.

She turned to look at them. In her English she said, "I am engaged to this lovely young man!"

"...How?" Niou asked.

"He gave his consent of course!"

"Renji did you really?" Yukimura asked.

"No." Renji thought. "I don't even know her. I've never seen her before!"

"Marui! Kirihara!" Jackal called. "Do you know anything about this?"

They looked at each other. They shook their heads and said a quick "No!"

But like they could get past Yukimura. "Oh...really?"

Marui and Kirihara gulped and looked at each other. They ran screaming.

"Okay..."

"But. Excuse me but." Sanada said in broken English. "How do you know him?"

She smiled. "Through the internet!"

"...?"

"Clarify?" Niou and Jackal said.

"I am a mail order bride from Germany!"

"..."

"Did I happen to hear correctly?" Niou said picking at his ear. "Mail order bride?"

Sanada and Renji twitched.

"But...you're 14!"

"I realize." Renji said twitching. "I don't even know how she met me."

Everybody looked at Niou.

"What?"

"You did this didn't you?" Sanada said pointing an accusing finger at him.

"No."

"Suure..." Jackal said rolling his eyes.

"Umm...really I didn't. The brat and the sugar freak did."

"Excuses, Excuses!" Sanada said twitching.

"Actually. There is a 89.76 percent chance that they did do it."

"We should go look for them then." Yagyuu said.

"Umm...What's happening?" the woman said in English.

Renji explained. The woman looked crestfallen.

"So I am not your bride?"

"There has been a misunderstanding...I'm very sorry."

The woman burst into tears. The regulars looked taken aback.

"Umm..." Renji wasn't really good with this stuff. "Please...don't...cry?" and he patted her shoulder.

Which only succeeded in making it worse. Lovely. But Yukimura, being Yukimura, calmed the woman down.

"Why are you crying?" Yukimura asked giving her a tissue.

"Because, I have been waiting for a husband for sooo long!" the woman wailed. "And I thought I found the one!" and she started to bawl.

"..."

"..."

"...How old are you anyways?" Niou asked.

She sniffed, "17."

"How long have you been waiting for a husband?"

"Ever since I was young!" and she sniffed some more.

"...At least she's not _that_ older than us."

Sanada twitched. "Niou 50 laps."

"What?!"

"You're not really helping in this situation."

And he ran off.

"What do we do now?" Jackal asked.

"Well...we have to look for Marui and Kirihara and beat the truth out of them." he said casually.

"Beat?"

"Just a joke!" Yukimura said smiling his "I'm so innocent and pure" smile.

Everyone twitched.

MAILORDERBRIDEMAILORDERBRIDE

Meanwhile, Kirihara and Marui were hiding out at Marui's house.

"What are we going to do?" Kirihara said walking back and forth.

"I thought it was just a joke..." Marui said chewing his gum WAY TOO FAST. "I never knew she would actually come..."

"Buchou is going to beat us into the ground with his tennis balls and smiles..." Kirihara shuddered.

Just then there was a knock on the door.

"On no! It's them!" Marui said peering out through the window. "We are so screwed..."

"Should we answer?"

"We have to! Buchou is out there! And I think Renji is going to break down the door using fukubuchou as a battering ram..."

They ran to open the door. They tried to look at casual as possible.

"H-Hey!"

"Explain." Yukimura said looking at them.

"...It was a joke! Honestly!"

Sanada was about to say something, but he was cut off.

"How could you?!" the woman said looking at both of them. Then she took her purse and started to hit them with it.

"Ow! Holy-"

"Ah!-Oof"

"You-stupid-good-for-nothings!" the woman said hitting them even harder. What was in that purse anyways?

"...Blackmail?" Jackal asked.

"Go."

He started snapping pictures.

AIRPORTAIRPORTAIRPORT

"I'm really sorry for causing so much trouble." she said to Renji.

"No. No. There wasn't really that much trouble."

"I would love to talk to you again." she said smiling.

And she left for the terminal. She looked back and waved.

Renji waved back and sighed. At least this was over. When he left the airport, he was surprised to see Yukimura with Sanada.

"So you saw her off?" Yukimura asked.

He nodded.

"Where did you get the money anyways?"

"That. Sanada. Is my secret." he said with a mysterious smile.

"...Okay..."

Hacking into Atobe's bank account with the help of Inui was bliss.

So all in all, Marui and Kirihara were covered in bruises for a month. How hard did that woman hit? But she and Renji remained in contact. All over school Marui's and Kirihara's reputation was partly ruined. Well for the most part, those pictures did their thing.

And everyone, for the most part, lived happily.

* * *

well...I don't think this was that funny...it kind of didn't turn out how I hoped it would...ah wells... 


End file.
